My Words About Bullying

(15-year old me in the midst of my crappy days in high school just trying to get by with new glasses and plum hair.)

I’m gonna be honest, I had this post written for a good year now ready to go for when October hit. Being that October is National Bullying Prevention Month, I wanted to share my experiences with being bullied. I’ve been kinda avoiding posting about it because it brings back unpleasantness, but I do want to share my experience. Although, rereading my original “essay” I wrote up and eventually deleted, I was obviously in a super frustrated mood when writing it because it definitely came off super bitter and quite angsty. Something I can’t seem to escape even though I’m in my mid-20s and not 16 anymore.

Last year was a rough one for me because I couldn’t get past the feeling of failure with my struggles I had to deal with, and honestly still continue to deal with. All the free time I had while unemployed had me thinking a lot about troubles and tribulations I experienced growing up.
I’ve since been able to fight those feelings of frustration, and I have more of an “acceptance” attitude these days. Kinda sounds like the five stages of grief, and may very well be in some weird way. So with this “acceptance”, I have a calmer mindset that will hopefully help me write this without that angsty tone and with more of an adult tone.

To set up a quick back story, when I was five, my family and I moved to suburbia (which is where they still reside). We knew no one, and I didn’t exactly have troubles making friends, but that’s when it began. The slight teasing evolved to a whole lot of nit picking throughout elementary school, and full on bullying when I was in middle school. I became a target, was labeled a “freak”, and had other harsh and severe words said to me that is too much to share. It was always based on my appearance, which you can judge for yourself in my previous post about my style transformation; I personally thought I was quite stylish. My worst year was eight grade – the awkward year where everyone tried to figure things out and get ready for high school. Life was not made any easier for me by my peers, and it felt like I was constantly fighting a battle on my own. High school involved lots of looks, and whispering while being ignored at the same time. I was a loner, and even ate lunch in the cafeteria by myself. I guess I was lucky to not experience any physical altercations, and even though they say how sticks and stones may break your bones… words really did hurt. They hurt real bad and it really took a toll on my mental state.

Throughout my education, going into school facing the same people who made me feel bad about myself, my mom tried telling me, “maybe high school will get better”…”maybe college will get better”…”maybe school isn’t for you”. Truth is, I still experienced moments in college where people came off just as harsh as my childhood bullies. They just handled it in a different way. I for sure was sensitive when I was younger, but having to deal with constant criticism for so long I was able to develop thick skin. That doesn’t mean it still didn’t hurt. I know I’m a bit different, but it doesn’t mean that there shouldn’t be any respect for one another, and that’s what got frustrating while in college. Like, c’mon already.

Even though I’ve eventually found myself surrounded by a good group of friends in college, I still had to fight self doubt and low self confidence. Professors always joked about how artists are self deprecating, and it’s true. Add that one to my list of feelings I had to fight. I don’t think it’s fair accusing other people for my problems, but in this case, my self esteem was messed with so much growing up that I can’t help but see the correlation and accuse the constant bullying for the problems I have with myself today. Turns out that studies show bullying does more harm to long-term mental health than abuse, how bullying affects you into adulthood, and more about how bullying affects you into adulthood, and it’s not me or my fault for feeling how I feel.

Like the articles state, it unfortunately does follow you into adulthood. If you want to know how I am today, well… I don’t do well in social settings, groups larger than three people gives me anxiety, I can’t help but feel paranoid like I’m constantly being judged, I have moments of agoraphobia, I’m too nice because I promised myself I would never treat anyone the way I was treated but that makes me an easy target to be walked all over, I’ve definitely developed a persona because my real self is pretty depressing, I experience my fair share of depression, and I choke up quite often when I talk about my past because honestly, it still hurts. I don’t think it’s something I will ever get over, because what people don’t realize is how being in an environment like that for so long eventually becomes all you know – I was bullied since I was six. One example of the aftermath: I don’t take compliments well because I don’t know what it feels like growing up hearing people saying positive things to me. I grew up surrounded by a whole lot of negativity, and even though there are ways to overcome that, it takes a whole lot of therapy and forgiveness to move on, and that is quite the challenge. This list is pretty accurate for how I act these days.

For years, I’ve been trying to suppress those emotions (I know, bad bad) but instead, I keep myself distracted and busy with hobbies. This is why this blog is important to me. I can be creative, share projects, and talk about things that interest me. Everyone has their own self medication. At the time when I wrote this, I was not on medication. My anxiety got so severe that I now may or may not be on meds, but my crafty self medication is still just as relevant.

Bottom line, bullying is a huge problem we have in society and it’s because adults and kids aren’t taught to deal with differences within people. They either feel jealous, insecure, threatened, or feel the need to take out their aggression because they don’t know how to deal with their own personal problems.
Unfortunately, it’s something that is not easy to move on from when you become an adult. It does haunt you, and follow you everywhere you go. Little things can trigger unpleasant memories and it has moments where it makes living difficult.

So if you read this, and you connected with it at some level, just know that you’re not alone. Reading that I know is not enough to make the pain go away, but just keep doing you. You got this, and don’t be afraid to do the things you enjoy because people come and go. The way you handle it stays with you forever. If I could go back, I would change so much about how I handled myself in awful situations.

Visit stopbullying.gov for more about how to play a part in bully prevention, and/or just be a good person. Period.